Connections and Existentialism

As I write this, the sky is becoming a darker and darker blue. The wind is starting to pick up, the trees are starting to close their eyes, and the streetlights are beckoning the children. The past year has seen so much change for myself, but it’s left me with the bare necessities and I see myself falling more in love with life every day. I feel warm, like I’m coddled in a fire that follows wherever I go. I’m contending with the parts of me that I can’t change, and reveling in those parts of me.

“what are our thoughts if not shared with others? we are born simple, knowing absolutely nothing. we are bland people in a very intricate world, and so, we become just as complex as what we have witnessed: the saltiness of the ocean, the sputter of their laugh, the inhale and exhalation of our breath. the world is our mold, it is inevitable to take its shape. and we too, bear the unshakable feelings that come with such constant revelation - we are perpetually shifting, forever changing, always thinking. and so, we find that internally, we feel so deeply; the overtones of new circumstances, people, and complications sting our tender skin harshly. it is human nature to respond: we find ourselves with rage, love, jealousy, hatred, and hope. but, this ardent passion and the fervorous nature we carry within - where does it go once we do? once we are reduced to our bones and whatever semblance there is of our skin, will the intensities we have carried within be released into the wind? there is a nuance behind every thought, every feeling, every moment that is felt only by us and us alone. there is only one way to actualize your feelings; only one way to bring the arbitrary and occasionally momentous sensations you hold into existence. you must live outside of your mind. you must speak, you must do, you must scatter yourself throughout your world. you will quickly find that you exist not only within your skin, but in those you have conversed with, in the words you choose to write, and the smiles you share with strangers. we live, we die - but to what extent: that is up to US.” @junefoley11 

I look at all of my friends right now and wish they’ll stay in my life forever because I just love them so much. I know I can’t manipulate the universe and whatever happens happens, but I do truly love them. For the people who have left, I feel a sense of gratitude towards them: they are part of the mosaic that made me who I am today. My life feels lighter because of who I choose to surround myself with and they are proof to me that life is nothing without human connection. They expand my thinking and show me perspectives I’ve never even considered.

I used to overthink a lot. I still do, I guess. But I’ve become kinder to myself as I progress. As I become kinder to myself, I project that outwards into the rest of the world. I used to worry that I was boring, that I didn’t have a personality and whatever my disposition was, it was a mere reflection of who I was with at the time. I’ve realized now I don’t have to put in effort to impress anyone. What should come will come and whoever happens to stay will be there to aid in the progression. Live and let go. 

Meaningful connections only occur with vulnerability. 

A quote that I read recently that has been sticking with me is: “People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

To begin, people connect with others based on how they connect with themselves. This process is often subconscious and not inherently negative. However, it can become more harmful than beneficial when individuals lack self-reflection and depth in their inner perspectives. In simpler terms, people can only relate to you as deeply as they relate to themselves, and frequently, that depth is quite shallow.

The same principle applies to your own interactions with others. You can only engage with someone on a deep level if you have explored and understood your own depths. At times, you might find yourself coming from a more superficial place, and that's acceptable, especially if you're aware of it. The key to self-awareness and personal growth lies in being in touch with your own inner being.

To truly discover and nurture your best self, you must delve into your own innermost thoughts and emotions. By doing so, you will naturally begin to connect with others on a deeper level, but only if they, too, are exploring their own depths. This idea is the foundation of finding and belonging to a tribe – a group of individuals who share a common understanding and connection on internal and external levels.

However, no matter how open, peaceful, and loving you are towards others, it won't matter if they don’t meet themselves at the same level you have met yourself. If they are not receptive to their own inner peace and love, they won't respond positively to yours. Instead, they may take advantage of your kindness, leaving you feeling used, or they might ridicule and reject it, causing you emotional pain. By being aware of this dynamic, you can shield yourself from the negative consequences and protect your well-being. This awareness is the essence of clarity and wisdom.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

I used to stress about what the meaning of life was. I realize the meaning of life is to purely exist in whatever form. I am the meaning of life.

Everything has already happened and that’s a good thing. The last half of that sentence is a new development for me (technically). I remember reading Sartre in my literature class senior year of high school and I spent the next few years filled with existential dread. To put a very long story short: everything that has and will ever happen already has. Time happened all at once and we are just experiencing it. Right now, dinosaurs are walking the earth, but you are also learning about them as a child you no longer are. 

It has to do with that relativity thing. I don’t get all of it, but only this part is important for what I have to tell you. And before you run away into existential terror, hear me out. Or don’t you technically already did or didn’t. 

Right now you’re hurt. That’s still real as anything else. Or maybe you’re lonely or stuck. But you’re also at the beach. The sun is touching the parts of your skin that haven’t felt it yet. You’re in a room with everyone you haven’t loved, or will. Everything is already okay. You’re just not experiencing it yet. You might be asking (and rightfully so) what about all of the pain that is yet to come. Sure right now I’m okay, but that means I’m also hurting right? 

But isn’t that just life already?

For example, the longer we love our parents the less time we have with them. As our love grows older so do their bodies. You’re in luck though, the universe left us a souvenir of our parents. They’re called memories. You’re at your mother’s funeral, but she’s also in the kitchen and dinner is ready. Somehow whatever did all of this (if something did) knew to only give us ways to look back and not forward. If we saw everything ahead we’d live every moment waiting, but without our memories we’d always want to go back. Some of us already still do, imagine if we didn’t have them. Some days I do think about how everything seems fine tuned for us. There are rainbows and rivers. Weddings and concerts. But there is also war and famine. Childhood cancer and natural disasters. For every way everything seems fine tuned for us to find joy and love, there is something equally painful and horrifying. 

Now if this isn’t a comforting thought to you and you’re freaking out about free will, I have just the thing!

There is probably a way to meta your way out of it. Perhaps there is an extra dimensional version of you pulling the strings for the choices you make in this place where everything already is. I kind of like the idea of sitting back and letting everything happen, but there is that if you need it. 

Whether there is a bigger you out there, this you’s existence never truly ends, but your time to experience it does. So I’ll leave you with this. When you close your eyes for the last time, you’ll still be here in one way or another. But depending on when you do, there’s parts of everything you’ll never get to see. There’s still everything to experience.

I love life and the fact that I am just here is more than enough. I am here to experience the good and bad. All of it.

I’ve always known that at my core, I am a storyteller; my name translates to poem. It’s what I was born as. It’s been so long since I’ve used my voice so openly, but it feels right. It feels good to get back into this.

My life is so full.