I feel like I'm in this paradox where I want to socialize and hang out with a lot of friends, but quickly my social battery gets empty and I need to be alone. And then if I'm just a bit tiny more alone than I needed, I start feeling lonely again. It's weird. I also can barely find people who actually enjoy deep, meaningful conversations. But maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.
I assume most people avoid me because they think I’m a bit off. I know deep down that there are good people out there who would love my company and are mature and understanding but the negative people I’m surrounded by at the moment are not helping and don’t understand my struggles or my issues.
Loneliness is so tough. You want to reach out to friends but it seems that everyone is too busy, you know they’d want to help if they knew how you were feeling but you feel too embarrassed to say anything. I spend so much time alone, which most of the time I enjoy but I wish I had a friend I could do simple things with sometimes. I just don’t seem to meet people like me anymore and the older I get the harder it becomes.
I have friends, but I don't really feel them like actual "friends". It's really painful not sincerely loving your close friends, it makes me feel constant loneliness. I at least hope that some day I will find those people I will actually consider friends. On the other edge, I feel like the people I do consider "friends" don't feel consider me the same. It's cynical, but that is how I feel.
In my own experience, I felt most alone when I was constantly surrounded by people. It is an interesting concept to grasp, even for myself. I accepted the fact that I was lonely and didn't seek change. It makes sense why I was lonely. I was blinded by loneliness. It made me see life through a guarded lens.
It's the feeling of wanting to talk to someone. You don't even care who, but no one will ever listen or make you feel as if they are even listening to you. Initially, I shared this website with a few people. I write so much of what I am feeling at given moments. Not once have they reached out to me about anything or addressed it.
Feeling lonely often ties to not belonging.
The topic of "not belonging" is very personal. Honestly, it hits close to home. I've been feeling this way for the past few years, and lately I've been feeling it strongly. It's draining, when I'm amongst a group of extroverts and they constantly talk, and as an introvert, I start to feel as though I don't belong there or anywhere for that matter. And then I constantly worry about what people perceive of me when I turn quiet or don't join in on a conversation. Some even point out how quiet I am and I start to overthink. I know I shouldn't bother and I try not to. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it feels like an opportunity to know myself better.
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